Brokenhearted, Forgive Thyself:

The Key to Moving Forward After Toxic Relationships

My first boyfriend once told me that before I could write a book I needed to experience more hardship. Whether his words were prophetic or self-fulfilling, I do not know, but I never imagined that it was possible for anyone to go through the challenges that I would later face in life. Suffice to say, I likely have gone through enough hardships to write at least 10 books by his measurement.

Few people really understand what it is like to be in a toxic relationship or a narcissistic relationship unless they have been in one themselves. It affects many different people in your life: yourself, first and foremost, your family, and your (soon to be nonexistent or at the very least less existent) friends. But, these relationships creep up slowly. At first, everything seems normal. And then, slowly and gradually, things change. Soon, you find yourself walking on eggshells. Being woken up in the middle of the night. Being yelled at for hours upon hours. Sleep deprivation becomes a constant companion, and you start becoming a shell of yourself, unbeknownst to yourself. Until you wake up when it’s all over and remember who you once were: your real self.

But, I digress, this post is not really about how these relationships can affect someone. If you are reading this and have been through a relationship like this, you already know what it is like. I do not need to re-hash the details for you. But, rather this is about the aftermath of these relationships and how to move forward.

It took me several years to recover from this type of relationship. And I think that ultimately the key to moving forward lies in forgiveness. But, forgiveness, one might say, How can one forgive such a person? But, how can someone not?

In the latest season of The Chosen, Episode 2 of Season 4 focuses on the theme of forgiveness, in which Peter ultimately forgives Matthew for being a tax collector and causing harm to his family. Jesus states that one must forgive someone seventy times seven times: that is four hundred and nighty times! Jesus thus provided humanity with a blueprint for how to forgive others. And I have also been focused on forgiving the people of my past four hundred and nighty times. That might seem excessive. But, I think it is of the utmost importance. I will give an example, that may seem unusual but that was a cornerstone along my healing journey.

Once upon a time, I ran into a woman whom an ex-boyfriend had left me for. I never knew for sure, but I had suspected that he had cheated on me. However, anytime I brought this up, he would get so angry that I thought maybe I was wrong. That night, Vanessa and I spent hours talking and comparing notes. After talking with her, I realized that my suspicions were true. I cried…she cried…And, at first, I was very upset and hurt. But then I did something that even surprised me.

In the midst of her crying, I looked at Vanessa and told her, “It’s ok Vanessa. I really should be thanking you. If it weren’t for you, I might not be alive today.” And I gave her a big hug. In that moment, all was forgiven and I realized that this woman who may have contributed to my broken heart, also may have saved my life.

Now, if someone has ever been through infidelity, I am very sorry that they went through that. And, I would never wish this on anyone, nor am I condoning infidelity. And, of course, everyone’s situation is unique. But what if one could forgive that person knowing that they now know unequivocally that this is not the right person for them? Because those who are loyal generally do not want to be in a relationship with those who are not.

Lately, in part, due to the encouragement of a friend, I have been spending a lot of time focused on forgiving those of my past. I focus on forgiving each person in my life that I have had conflict with, including ex-boyfriends and toxic relationships. But, after some time of doing this, the anger I once had turned into sadness. I started to wonder why I had allowed these situations to occur in my life. And ultimately, I realized that who I really needed to forgive was not them, but myself.

This article is a truthful recollection of actual events in the author’s life. Some conversations have been recreated and/or supplemented. The names and details of some individuals have been changed to respect their privacy.