Do Codepency and Bad Boundaries Make You A Target for A Narcissistic Relationship?
The Other Possible Traits That Empaths Have That Make Them Vulnerable to Narcissists
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the parts of me that may have made me vulnerable for falling for a narcissistic relationship. Of course, at first, the other person seems very kind and normal, and there is no hint of the other person being toxic. But, I have been wondering lately why had I fallen for such a relationship? My prior relationships were with perfectly normal (non-narcissistic) human beings.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, the famous psychologist and YouTuber on the topic of narcissistic relationships, created a YouTube video a few years ago entitled “The empath and the narcissist: a dark fairy tale.” In this video, she explains how empaths are often more vulnerable to dating narcissists. When I think back to others I know who are also in recovery from dating a narcissist, I think other traits I would identify that they have in common in addition to being empaths include being extremely kind, loving, trusting, and overly hopeful. These are all wonderful and beautiful traits, that I hope they (and I) never lose.
But, perhaps, there are other hints that might have made me more vulnerable for this kind of relationship. I realized more recently that I have a tendency towards codepency in relationships with others. And that when I did end up in a narcissistic relationship it was at a time when I was particularly vulnerable. For instance, when I was really young (in my early 20s), had just moved to a new place or when I had low self-esteem during a period of rebuilding my life. Perhaps my belief that I had found “the one” made me blinded of his inadequacies and shortcomings and made me try desperately to keep the relationship going, to my own detriment. Even Dr. Ramani explains how Disney movies and fairytales set us up for a dangerous path when it comes to romantic relationships with narcissists.
Many years ago, I opened Facebook to this message from a friend “I think you should break free of his energy. It is not productive to your greatest soul’s potential, I feel.” That was 9 months into the relationship. I made the mistake of telling the man I was dating about it, who became so enraged that I lost sight of the wisdom and meaning behind the message. When you fall into a pattern of trying to prevent the person you are in a relationship with from getting upset (even when their anger is for nonsensical reasons) combined with extreme sleep deprivation caused by the toxic dynamic, it can be hard to keep a grasp of the objective truth. If only I had listened to my friend’s message then, I would have saved myself from years of hardship. But I digress.
Another pattern I have noticed is that I did not have good boundaries in a relationship, or perhaps, more accurately, not in that relationship. And that I also have people-pleasing tendencies. Having seen my mom struggle to take care of us when I was younger while my dad traveled for work, perhaps, I subconsciously tried to create the opposite kind of relationship, one in which we were never apart, not seeing the dangers and pitfalls of that dynamic. I also was overly empathetic to his struggles and hardships and particularly his childhood trauma. Although it took me a long time to see them, I think there were red flags I should have seen sooner, including the things I was most empathetic of. Another dynamic I have noticed is that of a savior complex, which definitely came into play in that relationship, in which I tried so hard to help the other person to heal, I completely lost myself and my identity. I think as women with natural caregiver tendencies (and especially empaths and those on the path of the healer), it is important to not mix and utilize our professional gifts in a relationship, or else we risk getting trapped and entangled in an unhealthy dynamic.
The good news is that I am now trying to identify these patterns to ensure I do not make this mistake again. And hopefully this insight can help others from falling into the trap of a narcissistic relationship and save them from the years of hardship that I and many others have gone through.
This article is a truthful recollection of actual events in the author’s life. Some conversations have been recreated and/or supplemented. The names and details of some individuals have been changed to respect their privacy.